If you have read my previous posts, you will know that I suffer with anxiety and childhood trauma. It is hard sometimes to get out of the funk that you can get stuck in. I have always been in the background, whether it be with family or friends, I feel that everyone else other than me is understood.
It is hard to feel this way, especially since having trauma and thoughts that are not "normal". I really do not like talking about my past, but it consumes so much of me that I need to get it all out. What do you do when you have people around you, but you do not want to talk about it with them, through the fear of being judged or misunderstood? I have so many thoughts and times where I want to speak about it, but it doesn't feel right... That may be a sign????
In order to get through each day, I just keep to myself. I try to keep myself occupied and busy so that I do not have much time to think. Although, the intrusive thoughts peak in throughout the day, I try to quiet them. Sometimes, they are too much. So I recently took on a new venture that I also have not told anyone about yet.
I keep quiet and to myself, because in the past when I came out and told my plans, they always got ruined or sabotaged. I have very minimal trust in anything or anyone these days, so it is extremely hard to open up. I have been betrayed by my parents, me telling them something and them going around telling everyone else... Same goes with friends... So I stopped trusting anyone. Everyone always opens their mouths and cannot keep it closed.. No matter what, I have told someone something to see if I would hear it again and sure enough, I did. People are backstabbers and cannot contain information for their own.
After being betrayed by my closest people, I gave up trust. I know it is completely rare to find and I am still trying to learn who is genuine and who isn't. Life is a hard enough obstacle and when you throw in untrustworthy people, it just makes it worse. I used to be surrounded by many people, now I keep to myself most days. I do not want anything to do with drama, gossip, chaos, or anyone who isn't genuine. Stay far away from me if you have negative energy or bad intentions.
So back to me no telling anyone my plans, I started my own online business, learned how to use affiliate marketing to my advantage, and now help others do the same! It is a great experience to grow as an individual and can really make you successful if you put in the work. It is very hard to do everything on my own and not talk about it with others, but I really do not know who I can trust. I want to open up about this to the ones close to me now, but their reactions are what is stopping me. I cannot deal with negative reactions or doubts... If you're not going to be happy for me or support me, then you don't need to know what I am doing or what I am up to. I've been fine on my own, and will continue to be fine. I have and always will be there for myself, support myself, and love myself. I don't need anyone.
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