Childhood Trauma and Healing
- angie4290
- Mar 14, 2022
- 4 min read
Ever since I was a young child I have had anxiety. My parents never got along, would fight day in and day out destroying everything we had right in front of me. Being an only child in the household was very hard, I had no one to turn to leaving me to deal with everything alone.
I would sit in my room alone and cry, and some days even get involved in the middle trying to stop the fighting. All I knew growing up was that my father would be out for the whole day and wouldn’t come home usually until after dinner time. My mother would cook dinner for him just for him to never come home and eat it. This cycle repeated over and over again... Until one day my mother was driving home from the grocery store with me and my father’s son from a different woman when we were hit head on, on a blind curve. My mother hurt her back and kept having to get treatments on it. She was then put on prescription medication which she eventually got addicted to. This added to the fighting once she was addicted because she always slept. It was tormenting, however they didn’t realize how it would affect me growing up. I had to deal with the abuse and fighting until I was about to go to high school.
I can remember it like it was yesterday, I was coming home from Washington DC for or with grade trip. We got back to the school around 10:30 PM and my mother was there to pick me and two friends up, they were going to stay the night. We got back to my house and went to my room when all of a sudden I heard yelling and glass breaking. I ran to go see what was going on when my mother locked my father out of the house. I begged and pleaded for her to stop fighting with him and she stood back. As I went to open or metal basement door that was dead bolted, my father kicked the door in my face and I went flying across the room.
That was the last straw I guess because shortly after my mother filed for divorce. To make a really long story short, the fighting was usually about my father cheating on my mother and other disrespectful things that go along with it. I thought once they got divorced the fighting would be over... I was wrong. The divorce was ugly and would last another 12 years. This year, 2022, is the last year they have to deal with one another. I cannot wait, but I am not holding my breath that it won't last long. One or the other is always unhappy with the end result and will try to fight for more. I am just waiting to see that play out.
Once they were divorced, I would go back and forth to each house because I was allowed to do so. I had a lot of freedom to do what I pleased growing up and I usually always choose the right thing. If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Wow you turned out to be a great young lady for all that you went through, you could've went in a totally different direction." I would honestly be able to retire at this point. Everyone around knew how terrible it was to grow up as a little girl in hell, yet no one did anything about it.
I did everything I could to push all the bad memories to the back of my head. So much so, that I barely remember some things. It is like I have become numb to the feeling of trauma, trying to push it so far away from me that I became used to it. It was like one bad thing happening after another and I was supposed to take that as normal.
I haven't realized how much that trauma affected me until the past year or so, once my grandmother passed away. She was my person, my rock, my everything. She was the one I would go to when I had no one else. She was always there for me no matter what and I miss her more than anything in this world. She was my safe place, she was the one who would talk to me for hours so I wasn't alone. She was the one who loved me the most, more than anyone could ever love someone. And it kills me that I can't talk to her anymore. It has been almost two years since I last spoke to her and I am missing a piece of me since that day. What I would do to go back and hear her voice one more time. Hear her talk me down and tell me everything is going to be okay. I cry every time I think or talk about her. I still had so much to say, so much to do with her.
My life forever changed. I became very independent, kept to myself, stopped settling and removed myself from situations that no longer served me or made me comfortable. It was time for me to find my true self and build myself up because no one was there to help me. I was always told to stop showing emotion, whether it be when I was crying or if I was upset. I was always told it's fine, stop crying, you're okay. I was done being put down and not having someone there to just sit with me while I cry. To be there to make me feel safe and okay. I was the only one who would be able to provide that to myself. So that is exactly what I did. I stepped up for myself, I was there for me, I put all faith into me. I stopped doing things just to make others comfortable. I stopped disrupting my peace just to please others. I was in it for me and only me.
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